Here inside my quiet hell...

Ever since that night of the party, I've felt like my life has gone from a downward spiral to a sudden crash landing and all I can do is step back and watch, like some bystander looking at the result of a gruesome car crash.

God I'm such a fuck-up.

Everything I touch crumbles.
Everything turns to ruins.
Even with my best intentions, I can't seem to do anything right.

I can feel that I'm sinking further into myself, pushing away the rest of the world. My mind is not a place I particularly want to take a deep trip inside. These days I feel that it's better that I stay in my room, where the only thing I can ruin is me. 

Between the awkwardness I've helped cause throughout the gang and very obvious hints from me that I'm not interested in "talking about it", it hasn't been hard to get people to give me my space, without counting school and the occasional party. I did receive an interesting visit from someone who has never been too good with comprehending, well, just about anything.  
                                                          
                                                           *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * *
A Mr. Steven Randle decided to show up on my door step a few days after the party. He had a big grin on his face and box of condoms in his hand. He didn't even say anything, he just shook the box of condoms at me while attempting to cock an eyebrow. 

A minute of silence passed between us as I nastily stared him down while his grin faded. 

"We don't even have to tell anyone about it, kinda like Soda and Dawn did.....oh shit I'm so-"

"Go home Steve!" 

After I slammed the door, I could hear him desperately yell "But I even have lube in the car!"

Damn perv.
                                                          *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * *

I've preferred sticking to spending my time in my room with three things: me, my art, and my growing arsenal provided by Owen. The growing collection included the liquor so strong that you could wash your floors with it. The little pills that make everything numb. The powder that can make you forget your own name if you make a big enough line. 

Just about anything was there and I had fallen into a bit of a pattern. Get home, lock self in room, work on some art (which has become increasingly depressing lately), mix up a combo of whatever can get me the feeling I seek that day (which usually depends on how much I hate myself on a particular day) and deal with the repercussions of said combination.The repercussions usually involve side effects like passing out, feeling so numb I forget I have teeth, getting sick or all of the above. 

An upside from this is that throwing up has become quite thoughtless and these sorts of things make you forget to eat even if you didn't mean to. 

One particular night as I was desperately rummaging for a new pen in my desk, I stumbled upon old pictures of me and Dawn. I laid down on my messy bed as I looked through them. My heart began to ache with missing her. God did we look happy in those pictures too. Now I can't even remember what that feels like.

As if on cue, Dawn Freakin Cade burst into my bedroom looking like she ran the whole way here. 

"Lord Jesus!" I yelled while clutching my chest after throwing the pictures everywhere. I never thought I would have a heart attack at age 17, but I'm pretty sure it happened in that moment. 

"God dammit Angelica Winston. I can't take it anymore. We need to talk."

I knew this day would have to come. I couldn't avoid it now. I patted the spot beside me on the bed, a spot she had slept in on many sleepovers in the past.

It was silent as we both stared up at my ceiling, as if it were the most beautiful ceiling in all of Tulsa.

I could feel Dawn take a deep breath before starting what seemed like a pre-thought out speech. "Jelly, I'm really sorry about what happened at the party. I'm sorry for being such a shitty best friend and never telling you about Soda and me. You deserved to know, especially after you two began dating and I'm really really sorry and I can't stand not talking to you and I miss you and I'm sorry." She had to catch her breath after rambling off the last part.

I took a deep breath. "Dawn...I'm not mad at you for sleeping with him just so you know...I just wish someone had told me that's all...even more so I wish Soda would've told me."

She looked over at me. "I know Jels..I should've told you...I'm sorry...and I'm really sorry you had to find out that way...Steven can really be a shit head." Dawn said, regret evident in her voice.

I sighed "It's not your fault. You know how he gets when he's drunk and knows a secret." We both cringed at the memories of the things he's revealed over the years.

Dawn turned on her side to look at me and her tone turned extremely serious, probably the most serious I had ever heard her. "You know it never meant anything between Soda and me right? It was just meaningless sex."

I turned to look at her, "Speaking of that.....sorry I slept with your brother." This caused Dawn to burst out laughing and we both laughed like it was the funniest thing we had ever heard. Once we caught our breath, Dawn smiled at me and held out her pinky finger.

"I love you J. Winston."

I hooked my pinky around hers. "And I love you D. Cade."
                                                          
                                              *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Making up with Dawn felt great and helped relieve some of the stress in my life, but I still felt stuck in the black hole of my mind. Coincidentally, Dawn wasn't the only person I found myself reconnecting with. The past few weeks, I've been finding myself over at the Curtis household after school on most days. But this time it wasn't to spend time with Soda, who I have been doing an excellent job of avoiding, it was to spend time with Ponyboy. It had originally started off as me going to give homework help and keep him company, but it quickly turned into something that was helping me, not him.

I don't think people give Pony enough credit for how wise he is at such a young age. It isn't just book smarts either, it's like he can see into your soul and he does his damn best job to repair all the broken spots. I honestly don't know if I've ever been so open with another person in my whole life, or felt as comfortable pouring out my soul (though I have saved some of the details, like the small pharmacy I possess.) The way he looks at me when I talk, I know he's listening like I am the most important person in the world at that very moment and nothing else matters but what I'm saying. He's never judged a single thing I've said or a single thing I've felt, and he talks to me like I'm some freaking goddess on earth, not the piece of shit that I think I am. I am so grateful for our friendship, as unexpected as it was. Ponyboy has become my steady support, someone I can trust no matter what. He is so sweet and pure. Too sweet and pure to be wasting his time trying to help a mess like me. 

                                           *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

I had begun to build up some confidence to try to talk to Soda, to sort things out. It wasn't even about wanting to date again, I just had to make things right. All that confidence shattered when I got a call from Kitty and Two-Bit telling me that Soda had slept with Blair. I couldn't really comprehend the news at first. I had to clarify more than once that they meant the sex kind of sleeping together, not the innocent sharing a bed kind like I had hoped. After I had hung up the phone, I just stared in the mirror on my wardrobe doors. I don't know why I was surprised honestly. Of course he had slept with Blair. I've heard what the guys in the gang say about her. She was one of the few that they had deemed "gorgeous" and they all would if they could. She was so much more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. I wondered if Soda thought she was more attractive than me. Probably. I knew he was lying when he said I was 'the hottest thing in Tulsa'. I thought of the nights that we had shared in that bed. They all meant nothing now. Just like I felt like. Like I'm worth nothing. 

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After making up with Audrey, things began to seem a little brighter. Still absolutely shitty, but not as shitty. That is until a few days ago, when I made a regular trip to the Curtis residence to hang out with Pony.

Pony was studying The Scarlet Letter, a book I had connected with when I read it. Mostly because I felt like Hester, the town slut. Pony wasn't too happy with my self made comparison. He stared at me dead on. and grabbed my hands. "Don't you ever say that. Don't you compare yourself to her; she's nothing like you, Jelly. You made a mistake, yes. But you shouldn't constantly punish yourself for it. A mistake is only an error in judgement, if a person can't accept your mistake and get over it, you don't need them in your life. And losing you would be their loss. End of story, okay? Even with your flaws...you're absolutely perfect. There's nothing you could do that would change that." Pony had said many gracious things to me before, but nothing...nothing like this. It almost felt like it had another meaning behind it, like it wasn't just him comforting me. It felt like a...confession of sorts. It was a little much for me to try to take in, so I told him thank you and softly hugged him. But he still didn't let go of my hand. I wasn't really sure how to respond to this, so my shoe became my best friend as I stared at it, trying to avoid his gaze.

I couldn't avoid his stare once he tilted my chin up to look at him. The gaze wasn't so innocent any more...it was more intense. My heart began to race as he began to lean in closer. I could feel my stomach drop as my mind went crazy.

Oh my god he's not going to do what I think he is oh god he's going to he's going to kiss me what do I do should I stop him I should I don't want this to happen or do I oh god I didn't just think that should I just let him kiss me or shou-

My thoughts temporarily paused once his lips met mine. He pulled our bodies closer and oh my god I slipped my hands into his hair. Why? I don't know! Heat of the moment? Natural instinct? I don't fucking know.

It only took a few seconds for my thoughts to kick back in. And they screamed a big fat NO!

I reached between us and pushed on his chest, hard. When we separated Pony smirked slightly and said something about wanting to do that for a long time. I honestly couldn't hear because my entire body was full of anger. "How could you do that?" I yelled as I jumped up and ran for my coat. "I needed a friend, and you go and do that?!"

Pony seemed shocked. He couldn't even form a proper sentence. "No Pony. You're supposed to comfort me and be my friend. I love Soda! And.." I couldn't even finish as I felt the tears begin to well up, once again. Dammit I cry too much. I'm sick of crying so much.

He tried to chase after me, like it was some freaking romance movie, like we were some arguing couple. "Don't. Don't come near me. Don't you dare chase after me, Ponyboy Curtis." and with that I slammed the door.

By the time I made it home, I was somewhere between utter rage and uncontrollable sobbing. All that time we spent together, when I thought it was friendship, he had other motives? Did he pretend to care because of some puppy love he had for me? And why did I even let him kiss me? Was there a part of me that was just so desperate to feel loved, to feel wanted? How could I have been so stupid to believe he actually cared. I suppose I'll just add him to the list of men in my life who have disappointed me. That's what I fucking get for trusting someone, for opening up to someone. Fuck that. All that ever leads to is heartbreak. From friends and lovers alike. I tried calming down with a cigarette, but that wasn't doing the trick. I grabbed a couple pills and took a swig of something utterly repulsing. I felt my body begin to calm not too long after. I fell asleep with a thought I will live by from now on; I can only rely on myself.

Darling, Darling, Doesn't Have A Problem

Images from the Soc's attack at the lot were burned into my mind. Rhyan's screams were like a record playing on repeat in my mind. I couldn't help but blame myself. I wanted to stop for a damn smoke. I didn't fight enough against the Socs. I should have fought harder no matter how hard they hit me. Now Blair and Rhyan are permanently scarred. It made me feel insanely angry, miserable and extremely guilty. No matter how many tears I cried into Soda's chest or how insistent Audrey was on the fact that I couldn't have done anything different, I couldn't get the thoughts to stop from haunting me.

Soda must've said something to Dawn about the state I was in because when she showed up to my house a couple days ago, she literally dragged me out of bed, threw me in the shower and said "Get ready, we're going to a fucking party."

Once I looked acceptable by Dawn's terms, we headed out. I wasn't sure where we were headed but I didn't really care either. I just needed something to help me forget.

The house we arrived at was in an even worse part of town than our neighborhood and looked like a run down piece of shit. I turned to Dawn with what must've been a rather displeased expression. "Dawn Cade, did you bring me to a god damn crack house?"

"Oooops." she said with a slight smirk before grabbing my hand to lead me inside.

The place was packed like some sort of rave with straight up junkies and loud music was playing that I didn't know. All sorts of smoke filled the air and bottles of booze were already discarded amongst the place. Before Dawn and I could do anything, we were approached by none other than Mr. Owen Thatcher. "Ladies, enjoy." he said smoothly as he handed us two Solo cups filled with something strong enough to smell from a foot away.

"Isn't this place a little too low-class for your taste, Thatcher?"  Dawn asked with a cocked eyebrow before taking a long sip of our mystery drink.

"I go wherever the party is my dear." Owen replied with a wink. "When you two are done with that special little concoction, feel free to join me back over there for some real fun."

The familiar sting of hard liquor warmed my throat as I downed whatever was in the cup. The edge was beginning to wear off, just as I had hoped.

Dawn and I maneuvered our way through the countless grinding bodies to where Owen had directed us to meet him. We found him and some strangers in a little corner with some couches, a coffee table and the biggest amount of weed I'd ever seen in my life. Owen rolled Dawn and I couple blunts as we relaxed into a couch that had mysterious stains that I didn't dare attempt to decipher what they were. I had to give it to Owen, it was the best shit I'd smoked in a while. The familiar feeling of relaxation soothed my mind and I could feel the pain begin to leave my body. For the first time in days, I actually felt content. Mix that with whatever it was we were continuing to drink, you had one happy Jelly.

Dawn and I were messing around attempting to French inhale and blow smoke rings when Owen and someone I didn't recognize approached us with a delightful offer. "How about you two try something that'll really get the party started?" They set a couple bags of a powdery substance that I recognized as cocaine down on the table. I had never done coke as it had always seemed a little too dangerous to me, but normal Jelly's moral arguments were long gone. I was too far gone to care.

"Fuck it." I said to Dawn with a smile.

One of the strangers was nice enough to make a few lines for us and handed us rolled up bills to use. All the strangers in our small little corner smiled at us as we bent over, bills to our noses. I don't know about Dawn, but I felt the effects almost immediately. It was like pure life itself was shot into my veins. Everything became brighter, more beautiful. My heart began to race and I felt pure adrenaline. The music suddenly sounded amazing and the smell in the air became irresistible. The group grinned as they recognized the visible change in me.

I was now ready to party.

Everything else that happened after was a blur. A magnificent, beautiful blur.

My first stop was the top of the bar because I wanted to dance for everyone to see. The song that had come on was suddenly my new favorite jam and I was ready to go. A small crowd began to gather as Dawn hopped up with me and we started dancing together. Apparently we were entertaining because some stranger called "Kiss!" Dawn and I went from dancing for the crowd to making out to cat calls and whistles. Neither of us felt anything from it, but it just seemed like the thing to do in the moment.

The next blur came when I found myself lying on the bar topless with everything from lines of cocaine to body shots to sugar on me. I just laughed as countless people used my body as their personal table. Every time someone was done with me, I was rewarded with a hit of something, a pill from somewhere or a shot of God knows what. Something about it made me feel special in some odd way.

Whenever the buzz began to wear off even a little, I'd take another Kamikaze shot or snort another line. I didn't want the beautiful feeling to end.

Somewhere in the course of events, I lost Dawn when she went off somewhere with Owen. I wasn't too worried as I was too focused on the music. I let it take over and I danced without a care. I suddenly felt two hands on my wait that sent shivers up my spine. I spun around and looked into the eyes of someone I hadn't known was here until this moment. Something about his eyes drew me in, they were the most beautiful things I had seen that entire night. We began to dance together, every time we touched I felt a spark erupt through my body. We found ourselves locked in a passionate kiss, the kind of kiss where it feels like pure fire. He began to kiss my neck when I realized how much I wanted him. Now. I could feel the need radiate from my body. He must've sensed my urgency because he whispered in a husky voice whilst kissing my ear, "Do you wanna find somewhere more quiet?" I wasn't even able to say yes, it came out as more of a moan.

The minute we found a quiet bedroom and locked it, we couldn't be restrained. My legs were wrapped around his waist as he set me down on a dresser and slowly crept his hand up my thigh. I wasn't in the mood to be teased. After I helped him remove his shirt, I began to kiss and bite down his chest. I stopped just before his belt and smirked at him. "Touche." was his response before we began to hastily kiss and undress each other further. He tossed me on the old bed and began to kiss down my stomach. It was pure electricity. But something in me didn't want to mess around. I wanted to get straight to it. I flipped him over and he laughed. "Feisty."  Before I could do anything though, I was flipped onto my back once again. Just when I was about to respond with my own comeback, he began to bring us to our highs. There was nothing romantic or passionate about it, it purely came from lust. After we both reached our climaxes, I remember nothing but finally blacking out.

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I woke up the next morning with a pounding in my head and everything was blurry.

Where am I? Where am I? Where am I? Why does my everything hurt? Where am I?

As things began to clear up I recognized that I was in a bedroom but not mine or anyone's from the gang.

I felt like my body had a craving for something. Maybe a cigarette? I'd light one after I figured out why I was here. I suddenly felt like something else was missing. I felt naked. Oh my god I was naked.

Why am I naked?

I could feel I was on a bed. What the hell had happened? I slowly turned my head to see a body with messy hair next to me.

Is that....Hunter?

A sudden wave of recognition hit me. I felt like I was going to be sick. Broken memories played from last night in my mind. I had slept with...Hunter. I. Had. Slept. With. Hunter. IhadsleptwithHunter.

Oh my god. I'm going to be sick. I'mgoingtobesickI'mgoingtobesickI'mgoingtobesick.

I took a few shaky breaths to calm myself down. I was going to find my clothes and leave. That seemed like a safe plan. He wouldn't remember a thing. I could pretend it didn't happen. No one had to know. Soda didn't have to know. Oh my god Soda. I had cheated on Soda.

I could feel the tears coming as I dressed. I felt disgusting, dirty......

God, what is wrong with me? How could I do this?

The pounding in my head got worse and I suddenly became aware of the burning in my throat and nose.

I was searching for my shoes when I heard rustling from the bed and a confused "J....-Jelly?"
I turned to look at Hunter and when we made eye contact he seemed to have made same realization I had minutes earlier. "No...we couldn't have..."

I rushed over to bed and sat next to him. Looking him straight in the eye I said "No one can know about this Hunter. No one." I began to choke up. "Audrey can't know. Soda can't know. We-we weren't thinking straight okay? This stays between us alright?" I couldn't help but begin to cry. This was all too much. Everything hurt. My mind was racing. I couldn't see straight.

Hunter grabbed his pants from next to the bed and took something from the pocket to hand to me. He had handed me a couple little white pills. "They should help you calm down."

I swallowed the pills and hoped he was right. He began to sit up with the obvious intention to comfort me but I put my hand on his chest to stop him. "This," I drew in a deep shaky breath, "never happened." Hunter nodded in understanding and I grabbed the rest of my things and rushed from the room.

The main room was a disaster. Bottles and passed out bodies were everywhere, making it difficult to navigate where I was going. Cigarettes and weed lingered in the air.  I eventually found Dawn passed out on Owen's lap on a disgusting couch that had one too many people sleeping on it.

"Dawn...Dawney Poo..." I gently shook her awake, not knowing what kind of state she would be in.

She smiled sleepily as she saw me, "What a party Jells, what a party."


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I let Dawn pass out in my bed once we made it back to my house. As I attempted to get some covers over her deep sleeping dead-weight body, I caught a glimpse of a photo I have of Soda and myself on my nightstand.

The sick feeling returned and I rushed to the bathroom to actually be sick this time.

I was shaky when I stepped into the shower. My body was craving whatever it was I took last night. I'd have to take care of that soon.

Thoughts of the previous night flooded my mind as I slid down the shower wall. The water poured over me as I cried.

What had I done?

Your love will be safe with me.....

It's a powerful thing when love can change you, make you see things you never saw before, make you wiser, make you feel more like you.

....Are we calling it love?

I'm not quite sure how we're defining it.

But we certainly expressed it the other day at the DX ;) 

   Aaaaaanyways,

For one of the first times in an overly long time, I actually feel, almost a little....beautiful. And wanted. And loved and cherished.

And it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world when you realize how much love you are surrounded by on a daily basis, how many people care for you.

And it's all because of him. He's opened my eyes.

(I will be beaten if I do not give credit where credit is due to everyone else, mainly Ms. Kitty, who have been giving me the support and love I need. I'll forever be grateful my friends. <3 )

I've started eating more, and actually keeping it down. It's a work in progress, a really tough, emotionally draining process. But I must say that it's actually nice to get rid of that gaunt, Skeletor look I had for a while.

Everyone in the gang has been helpful in their own special way, even a Mr. Dallas Winston.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day, after Soda and I finally said our goodbyes at the DX, a good couple hours after he should've been home, I was in complete bliss as I drove home. It's times like these when I'm up in the clouds that I forget that when I come home Mom won't be singing to some Fleetwood Mac song and Dad won't be cooking some "Winston original" for dinner. The house won't have the warm smell of the vanilla candles that are now tucked safely away, in the event of her deciding that our family is good enough to come back to. I usually either come home to one of two situations; dead silence as my father is at work or my father is home & drunk and he's either A) passed out B) a stoic statue staring into nothing with a bottle in his hands C) he's looking for someone to take his anger out on.

I thankfully come home to option one; dead silence. Home sweet home.

It's a real fucking downer to be blunt.

This shit called for a date between me and my good friend, Marlboro. I climbed out onto the overhang outside my window just as the sun began to set. As I sat there, I think I understood what Ponyboy was going on about when he talked about sunsets. The beauty of my epiphany was ruined as I heard a distinct New Yorker voice yell from the sidewalk "Yo Jelly man, you got any to spare? I'm coming up." Jesus Christ that kid can ruin a moment.

My relationship with Dal can be seen as a complicated one. We bitch at each other all the time, insults are thrown, he's ruined many moments throughout my life, and half the time we wanna strangle each other. But you know, he's always been more like a brother than a cousin to me. In all reality we probably know each other better than we know ourselves. I know that he'll always be looking out for me and he knows that I'm always here to knock some common sense into him. And at the end of the day, we do love each other, we just don't show it in the usual way. It runs in the family.

The last couple times we sat here together he had basically spilled his heart about Rhyan and the Blair situation and I only found it only fair that I let him in on what's been happening with Soda. Yeaaaaaah, not the best reaction.

"Do I have to beat the fuck outta this kid? Jesus Christ. Not to mention, that is a place of business. Shit, I even go there to steal."

My rant about how it is acceptable for him to have as many sexual escapades with as many women as he wants but it is unacceptable for me to have sex with someone I care deeply about will be saved for another time.

"Yeah well if you get to beat the shit outta him then I get to beat your ass for what you did to Rhyan." cocking my eyebrow at him, like I was daring him to follow through with what he said. And the look he gave me, whew. If I was anyone else I knew I'd be passed out cold already but instead he just muttered something along the lines of "Wise ass." before taking a long drag.

We sat there in silence for a while, watching the smoke disappear into the sky.

Dallas broke the silence eventually. "Hey, uh, you're still not throwing up and shit are you?"

I had to hide a smile at how he phrased his question. "I'm working on it."

"Good...cause you know somethin, you're not a bad looking broad. All the guys have said stuff about you when you're not around, makes me wanna knock their skulls together."

I smiled this time because I knew this was Dallas' way of telling me how much he cares about me and wants me to get better. Gotta love that tubby tub trying.

For the love of a daughter

My father is a respected man.

He donates money to charity and the hospital, but makes sure that I don't have to struggle as much as he did as a child. He works over time so that his patients can get the best care possible. He spends countless hours in the ER making sure situations are handled properly. He has a talent and people all over Oklahoma owe their lives to him.

He is also an alcoholic.

Let me specific. A functioning alcoholic. He's still able to be in the top of his game at his career, but how he pulls that off I'll never know.

It's when he gets home that he tends to be a little....violent.

No matter what though I love my father. But he has a serious problem.

Back when Mom was around, we had the perfect family. They were so in love and they loved me so much. The gang loved coming over and spending time with them. They were like second parents to everyone and to some, better parents than their real parents. Everything was great.

That is until a few years ago.

For years my parents had been content with having one child, but suddenly they wanted another. My parents had me young so it wasn't odd for them to try for another child, but apparently it wasn't meant to be. Mom went through a string of miscarriages. Each one tore her apart more than the last. She had never really drank before, but she began to drink heavily. She sank into a deep depression and I think even began to experiment with some drugs but I can't be sure, my dad never let me see her like that.

We tried to get her in counseling but it didn't seem to work. I've never seen my father so lost, so heartbroken. Here he was watching the love of his life fall apart. So we had to send her off to rehab. It was hard but it seemed to work. We would get updates from the facility and I even went to visit her a couple times. When it came towards the end of her stay, a letter arrived in the mail. It was from my mom. She said that she had to "go find herself" and "wouldn't be returning to us." And she was serious. She never came back to us.

I was angry and so hurt at first, but after a while I realized that I love her so much that I would rather have her be away and happy than here and miserable. I still miss her though. A part of me still hopes that someday she'll walk back in our front door and things could go back to normal for us. Of course it never happens but hey, a girl can dream.

My father didn't take it as well.

At first he was in denial.

"No, she's coming back. It was all a silly joke. That's why I love your mother, she has a sense of humor. She got better Angelica, and she's coming back to us again."

Then of course guilt.

"How could I have let this happen? I should've stopped her drinking, I should have seen the signs of depression. But I was too god damn busy to see her crumbling. God it's all my fault. I'm so sorry Angelica, I'm so sorry."

Then he started drinking more. I guess you could say we are stuck in a weird combination of anger and depression?

He began to drink away the pain. The exact same thing that she did. It was hard enough to lose my mother but then to watch a man I love and respect, fall into the same pattern? It was unbearable.

And I also discovered how angry he can get when he's drunk. At least he never gets violent until he's almost blacking out, so I don't have to experience it that often. He never seems to remember which is good. I know how much he'd hate himself if he could remember.

There are days though where he's just tipsy, where I see the father that I love. The father that I know is still inside. But for now, I'm trying to repair myself and repair him at the same time.

Everybody's Bruising....

"It never hurts to lose a few pounds. "
I tell myself this everyday as I stare in the mirror.


I don't look the way I want.


I thought that having control over the whole food thing would change that.


Initially it seemed like a good idea.


Food has begun to disgust me.

I hate the way I feel when I eat too much.


These days too much is equivalent to anything at all.


I hate feeling full.

Bloated.

Fat.

If I want to feel beautiful I can't expand like a sponge.



The feeling beautiful thing hasn't really happened yet.



I've learned to eat something only when the dizziness and aching have become too much to handle.



I thought that no one had noticed.
"Oh no it's okay, my stomach is feeling funky today."

"I already ate but thanks anyways."

"I ate a huge breakfast!"

"Too many cramps to think about food!"

"Watching Steve eat has taken away my appetite."

"No thanks, I'm not hungry."


It's been working perfectly too. I thought no one had taken notice...that is until I stayed over at the Curtis' and I continually denied my hunger, claiming a stomach bug was on the horizon.

Sometimes I struggle to keep it together. I thought I had it together until I caught Soda giving me a concerned look.

The stare made me uncomfortable because I knew he had seen through my mask. I should've known I'd never be able to fool him.


This makes me look so weak.
 

Never gonna look like a beauty queen...

God what'd I'd give to be one of those girls in a fashion magazine.

Glamorous. Gorgeous. Able to perfectly portray emotion with sometimes just their eyes.

Fashion is such a beautiful outlet for expression. I admire the art aspect of it. It inspires creation. How the combination of lighting, model, photographer, designer can come together to produce such a gorgeous piece of work is amazing to me. I believe that art is the greatest form of expression.

Envy is a deadly sin I know.

But I can't help myself.

Constantly surrounding myself with these images, I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to take part in something so beautiful even though I obviously don't live up that standard of beauty.

I tend to keep these feelings to myself. Well, I tend to keep most feelings to myself. I'm not into the whole "talking about it" thing. Even though I'm surrounded by a gang on people who'd probably take a bullet for me (I hope?), I can deal with it myself.

The other day though, my thoughts were overwhelming me. I had to get someone else's opinion and I turned to someone I knew I could trust.

I went to see one of the besties, Soda, at the DX. He's basically as honest as Honest Abe minus the whole Emancipation Proclamation, Civil War, assassination thing.

Okay. Bad comparison.

Anyways I sat there pondering while flipping through a Vogue while he repaired some shitty car that was in there every other week. It's times like these that we just enjoy each other's presence, no words having to be spoken, something that only the best of friends can do.

"Soda," I asked interrupting our peaceful silence, "do you think someday I could be like one of these girls in this magazine?" A moment of weakness.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead as he stood up from the engine. "Why Jells," he responded sincerely, "I think you can be whoever ya want."

It was reassuring. I could hear Kit or Aubrey tell me something fifty times but there was always something different about Soda saying it. He only had to say something once for me to believe it.

I'm real grateful to have Mr. Sodapop Curtis in my life.

Well welcome to my blog that shall be filled with shenanigans, the misadventures of my life and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Till next time

~Jelly xo