Everybody's Bruising....

"It never hurts to lose a few pounds. "
I tell myself this everyday as I stare in the mirror.


I don't look the way I want.


I thought that having control over the whole food thing would change that.


Initially it seemed like a good idea.


Food has begun to disgust me.

I hate the way I feel when I eat too much.


These days too much is equivalent to anything at all.


I hate feeling full.

Bloated.

Fat.

If I want to feel beautiful I can't expand like a sponge.



The feeling beautiful thing hasn't really happened yet.



I've learned to eat something only when the dizziness and aching have become too much to handle.



I thought that no one had noticed.
"Oh no it's okay, my stomach is feeling funky today."

"I already ate but thanks anyways."

"I ate a huge breakfast!"

"Too many cramps to think about food!"

"Watching Steve eat has taken away my appetite."

"No thanks, I'm not hungry."


It's been working perfectly too. I thought no one had taken notice...that is until I stayed over at the Curtis' and I continually denied my hunger, claiming a stomach bug was on the horizon.

Sometimes I struggle to keep it together. I thought I had it together until I caught Soda giving me a concerned look.

The stare made me uncomfortable because I knew he had seen through my mask. I should've known I'd never be able to fool him.


This makes me look so weak.
 

Never gonna look like a beauty queen...

God what'd I'd give to be one of those girls in a fashion magazine.

Glamorous. Gorgeous. Able to perfectly portray emotion with sometimes just their eyes.

Fashion is such a beautiful outlet for expression. I admire the art aspect of it. It inspires creation. How the combination of lighting, model, photographer, designer can come together to produce such a gorgeous piece of work is amazing to me. I believe that art is the greatest form of expression.

Envy is a deadly sin I know.

But I can't help myself.

Constantly surrounding myself with these images, I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to take part in something so beautiful even though I obviously don't live up that standard of beauty.

I tend to keep these feelings to myself. Well, I tend to keep most feelings to myself. I'm not into the whole "talking about it" thing. Even though I'm surrounded by a gang on people who'd probably take a bullet for me (I hope?), I can deal with it myself.

The other day though, my thoughts were overwhelming me. I had to get someone else's opinion and I turned to someone I knew I could trust.

I went to see one of the besties, Soda, at the DX. He's basically as honest as Honest Abe minus the whole Emancipation Proclamation, Civil War, assassination thing.

Okay. Bad comparison.

Anyways I sat there pondering while flipping through a Vogue while he repaired some shitty car that was in there every other week. It's times like these that we just enjoy each other's presence, no words having to be spoken, something that only the best of friends can do.

"Soda," I asked interrupting our peaceful silence, "do you think someday I could be like one of these girls in this magazine?" A moment of weakness.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead as he stood up from the engine. "Why Jells," he responded sincerely, "I think you can be whoever ya want."

It was reassuring. I could hear Kit or Aubrey tell me something fifty times but there was always something different about Soda saying it. He only had to say something once for me to believe it.

I'm real grateful to have Mr. Sodapop Curtis in my life.

Well welcome to my blog that shall be filled with shenanigans, the misadventures of my life and whatever else I feel like sharing.

Till next time

~Jelly xo