Your love will be safe with me.....

It's a powerful thing when love can change you, make you see things you never saw before, make you wiser, make you feel more like you.

....Are we calling it love?

I'm not quite sure how we're defining it.

But we certainly expressed it the other day at the DX ;) 

   Aaaaaanyways,

For one of the first times in an overly long time, I actually feel, almost a little....beautiful. And wanted. And loved and cherished.

And it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world when you realize how much love you are surrounded by on a daily basis, how many people care for you.

And it's all because of him. He's opened my eyes.

(I will be beaten if I do not give credit where credit is due to everyone else, mainly Ms. Kitty, who have been giving me the support and love I need. I'll forever be grateful my friends. <3 )

I've started eating more, and actually keeping it down. It's a work in progress, a really tough, emotionally draining process. But I must say that it's actually nice to get rid of that gaunt, Skeletor look I had for a while.

Everyone in the gang has been helpful in their own special way, even a Mr. Dallas Winston.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day, after Soda and I finally said our goodbyes at the DX, a good couple hours after he should've been home, I was in complete bliss as I drove home. It's times like these when I'm up in the clouds that I forget that when I come home Mom won't be singing to some Fleetwood Mac song and Dad won't be cooking some "Winston original" for dinner. The house won't have the warm smell of the vanilla candles that are now tucked safely away, in the event of her deciding that our family is good enough to come back to. I usually either come home to one of two situations; dead silence as my father is at work or my father is home & drunk and he's either A) passed out B) a stoic statue staring into nothing with a bottle in his hands C) he's looking for someone to take his anger out on.

I thankfully come home to option one; dead silence. Home sweet home.

It's a real fucking downer to be blunt.

This shit called for a date between me and my good friend, Marlboro. I climbed out onto the overhang outside my window just as the sun began to set. As I sat there, I think I understood what Ponyboy was going on about when he talked about sunsets. The beauty of my epiphany was ruined as I heard a distinct New Yorker voice yell from the sidewalk "Yo Jelly man, you got any to spare? I'm coming up." Jesus Christ that kid can ruin a moment.

My relationship with Dal can be seen as a complicated one. We bitch at each other all the time, insults are thrown, he's ruined many moments throughout my life, and half the time we wanna strangle each other. But you know, he's always been more like a brother than a cousin to me. In all reality we probably know each other better than we know ourselves. I know that he'll always be looking out for me and he knows that I'm always here to knock some common sense into him. And at the end of the day, we do love each other, we just don't show it in the usual way. It runs in the family.

The last couple times we sat here together he had basically spilled his heart about Rhyan and the Blair situation and I only found it only fair that I let him in on what's been happening with Soda. Yeaaaaaah, not the best reaction.

"Do I have to beat the fuck outta this kid? Jesus Christ. Not to mention, that is a place of business. Shit, I even go there to steal."

My rant about how it is acceptable for him to have as many sexual escapades with as many women as he wants but it is unacceptable for me to have sex with someone I care deeply about will be saved for another time.

"Yeah well if you get to beat the shit outta him then I get to beat your ass for what you did to Rhyan." cocking my eyebrow at him, like I was daring him to follow through with what he said. And the look he gave me, whew. If I was anyone else I knew I'd be passed out cold already but instead he just muttered something along the lines of "Wise ass." before taking a long drag.

We sat there in silence for a while, watching the smoke disappear into the sky.

Dallas broke the silence eventually. "Hey, uh, you're still not throwing up and shit are you?"

I had to hide a smile at how he phrased his question. "I'm working on it."

"Good...cause you know somethin, you're not a bad looking broad. All the guys have said stuff about you when you're not around, makes me wanna knock their skulls together."

I smiled this time because I knew this was Dallas' way of telling me how much he cares about me and wants me to get better. Gotta love that tubby tub trying.