Here inside my quiet hell...

Ever since that night of the party, I've felt like my life has gone from a downward spiral to a sudden crash landing and all I can do is step back and watch, like some bystander looking at the result of a gruesome car crash.

God I'm such a fuck-up.

Everything I touch crumbles.
Everything turns to ruins.
Even with my best intentions, I can't seem to do anything right.

I can feel that I'm sinking further into myself, pushing away the rest of the world. My mind is not a place I particularly want to take a deep trip inside. These days I feel that it's better that I stay in my room, where the only thing I can ruin is me. 

Between the awkwardness I've helped cause throughout the gang and very obvious hints from me that I'm not interested in "talking about it", it hasn't been hard to get people to give me my space, without counting school and the occasional party. I did receive an interesting visit from someone who has never been too good with comprehending, well, just about anything.  
                                                          
                                                           *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * *
A Mr. Steven Randle decided to show up on my door step a few days after the party. He had a big grin on his face and box of condoms in his hand. He didn't even say anything, he just shook the box of condoms at me while attempting to cock an eyebrow. 

A minute of silence passed between us as I nastily stared him down while his grin faded. 

"We don't even have to tell anyone about it, kinda like Soda and Dawn did.....oh shit I'm so-"

"Go home Steve!" 

After I slammed the door, I could hear him desperately yell "But I even have lube in the car!"

Damn perv.
                                                          *  *  *  *  *  *  *  * *

I've preferred sticking to spending my time in my room with three things: me, my art, and my growing arsenal provided by Owen. The growing collection included the liquor so strong that you could wash your floors with it. The little pills that make everything numb. The powder that can make you forget your own name if you make a big enough line. 

Just about anything was there and I had fallen into a bit of a pattern. Get home, lock self in room, work on some art (which has become increasingly depressing lately), mix up a combo of whatever can get me the feeling I seek that day (which usually depends on how much I hate myself on a particular day) and deal with the repercussions of said combination.The repercussions usually involve side effects like passing out, feeling so numb I forget I have teeth, getting sick or all of the above. 

An upside from this is that throwing up has become quite thoughtless and these sorts of things make you forget to eat even if you didn't mean to. 

One particular night as I was desperately rummaging for a new pen in my desk, I stumbled upon old pictures of me and Dawn. I laid down on my messy bed as I looked through them. My heart began to ache with missing her. God did we look happy in those pictures too. Now I can't even remember what that feels like.

As if on cue, Dawn Freakin Cade burst into my bedroom looking like she ran the whole way here. 

"Lord Jesus!" I yelled while clutching my chest after throwing the pictures everywhere. I never thought I would have a heart attack at age 17, but I'm pretty sure it happened in that moment. 

"God dammit Angelica Winston. I can't take it anymore. We need to talk."

I knew this day would have to come. I couldn't avoid it now. I patted the spot beside me on the bed, a spot she had slept in on many sleepovers in the past.

It was silent as we both stared up at my ceiling, as if it were the most beautiful ceiling in all of Tulsa.

I could feel Dawn take a deep breath before starting what seemed like a pre-thought out speech. "Jelly, I'm really sorry about what happened at the party. I'm sorry for being such a shitty best friend and never telling you about Soda and me. You deserved to know, especially after you two began dating and I'm really really sorry and I can't stand not talking to you and I miss you and I'm sorry." She had to catch her breath after rambling off the last part.

I took a deep breath. "Dawn...I'm not mad at you for sleeping with him just so you know...I just wish someone had told me that's all...even more so I wish Soda would've told me."

She looked over at me. "I know Jels..I should've told you...I'm sorry...and I'm really sorry you had to find out that way...Steven can really be a shit head." Dawn said, regret evident in her voice.

I sighed "It's not your fault. You know how he gets when he's drunk and knows a secret." We both cringed at the memories of the things he's revealed over the years.

Dawn turned on her side to look at me and her tone turned extremely serious, probably the most serious I had ever heard her. "You know it never meant anything between Soda and me right? It was just meaningless sex."

I turned to look at her, "Speaking of that.....sorry I slept with your brother." This caused Dawn to burst out laughing and we both laughed like it was the funniest thing we had ever heard. Once we caught our breath, Dawn smiled at me and held out her pinky finger.

"I love you J. Winston."

I hooked my pinky around hers. "And I love you D. Cade."
                                                          
                                              *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Making up with Dawn felt great and helped relieve some of the stress in my life, but I still felt stuck in the black hole of my mind. Coincidentally, Dawn wasn't the only person I found myself reconnecting with. The past few weeks, I've been finding myself over at the Curtis household after school on most days. But this time it wasn't to spend time with Soda, who I have been doing an excellent job of avoiding, it was to spend time with Ponyboy. It had originally started off as me going to give homework help and keep him company, but it quickly turned into something that was helping me, not him.

I don't think people give Pony enough credit for how wise he is at such a young age. It isn't just book smarts either, it's like he can see into your soul and he does his damn best job to repair all the broken spots. I honestly don't know if I've ever been so open with another person in my whole life, or felt as comfortable pouring out my soul (though I have saved some of the details, like the small pharmacy I possess.) The way he looks at me when I talk, I know he's listening like I am the most important person in the world at that very moment and nothing else matters but what I'm saying. He's never judged a single thing I've said or a single thing I've felt, and he talks to me like I'm some freaking goddess on earth, not the piece of shit that I think I am. I am so grateful for our friendship, as unexpected as it was. Ponyboy has become my steady support, someone I can trust no matter what. He is so sweet and pure. Too sweet and pure to be wasting his time trying to help a mess like me. 

                                           *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

I had begun to build up some confidence to try to talk to Soda, to sort things out. It wasn't even about wanting to date again, I just had to make things right. All that confidence shattered when I got a call from Kitty and Two-Bit telling me that Soda had slept with Blair. I couldn't really comprehend the news at first. I had to clarify more than once that they meant the sex kind of sleeping together, not the innocent sharing a bed kind like I had hoped. After I had hung up the phone, I just stared in the mirror on my wardrobe doors. I don't know why I was surprised honestly. Of course he had slept with Blair. I've heard what the guys in the gang say about her. She was one of the few that they had deemed "gorgeous" and they all would if they could. She was so much more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. I wondered if Soda thought she was more attractive than me. Probably. I knew he was lying when he said I was 'the hottest thing in Tulsa'. I thought of the nights that we had shared in that bed. They all meant nothing now. Just like I felt like. Like I'm worth nothing. 

                                     *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

After making up with Audrey, things began to seem a little brighter. Still absolutely shitty, but not as shitty. That is until a few days ago, when I made a regular trip to the Curtis residence to hang out with Pony.

Pony was studying The Scarlet Letter, a book I had connected with when I read it. Mostly because I felt like Hester, the town slut. Pony wasn't too happy with my self made comparison. He stared at me dead on. and grabbed my hands. "Don't you ever say that. Don't you compare yourself to her; she's nothing like you, Jelly. You made a mistake, yes. But you shouldn't constantly punish yourself for it. A mistake is only an error in judgement, if a person can't accept your mistake and get over it, you don't need them in your life. And losing you would be their loss. End of story, okay? Even with your flaws...you're absolutely perfect. There's nothing you could do that would change that." Pony had said many gracious things to me before, but nothing...nothing like this. It almost felt like it had another meaning behind it, like it wasn't just him comforting me. It felt like a...confession of sorts. It was a little much for me to try to take in, so I told him thank you and softly hugged him. But he still didn't let go of my hand. I wasn't really sure how to respond to this, so my shoe became my best friend as I stared at it, trying to avoid his gaze.

I couldn't avoid his stare once he tilted my chin up to look at him. The gaze wasn't so innocent any more...it was more intense. My heart began to race as he began to lean in closer. I could feel my stomach drop as my mind went crazy.

Oh my god he's not going to do what I think he is oh god he's going to he's going to kiss me what do I do should I stop him I should I don't want this to happen or do I oh god I didn't just think that should I just let him kiss me or shou-

My thoughts temporarily paused once his lips met mine. He pulled our bodies closer and oh my god I slipped my hands into his hair. Why? I don't know! Heat of the moment? Natural instinct? I don't fucking know.

It only took a few seconds for my thoughts to kick back in. And they screamed a big fat NO!

I reached between us and pushed on his chest, hard. When we separated Pony smirked slightly and said something about wanting to do that for a long time. I honestly couldn't hear because my entire body was full of anger. "How could you do that?" I yelled as I jumped up and ran for my coat. "I needed a friend, and you go and do that?!"

Pony seemed shocked. He couldn't even form a proper sentence. "No Pony. You're supposed to comfort me and be my friend. I love Soda! And.." I couldn't even finish as I felt the tears begin to well up, once again. Dammit I cry too much. I'm sick of crying so much.

He tried to chase after me, like it was some freaking romance movie, like we were some arguing couple. "Don't. Don't come near me. Don't you dare chase after me, Ponyboy Curtis." and with that I slammed the door.

By the time I made it home, I was somewhere between utter rage and uncontrollable sobbing. All that time we spent together, when I thought it was friendship, he had other motives? Did he pretend to care because of some puppy love he had for me? And why did I even let him kiss me? Was there a part of me that was just so desperate to feel loved, to feel wanted? How could I have been so stupid to believe he actually cared. I suppose I'll just add him to the list of men in my life who have disappointed me. That's what I fucking get for trusting someone, for opening up to someone. Fuck that. All that ever leads to is heartbreak. From friends and lovers alike. I tried calming down with a cigarette, but that wasn't doing the trick. I grabbed a couple pills and took a swig of something utterly repulsing. I felt my body begin to calm not too long after. I fell asleep with a thought I will live by from now on; I can only rely on myself.